PLAIN TALK BY JESUS?
Jesus H. Christ
OK, OK! You
asked for it — yes, I was a man just like 48% of earth's population (my father
did not want his alter-ego to be a woman, what with PMS and all)
Along with being a man comes doing manly things as some artists have captured below. Permit me to share them with you “Pauline Christology” followers. That's right ― I did not say Christian — I didn't invent any religion.
I was a Jew, for Christ's sake ― REMEMBER? I had a bris — my weenie was trimmed! Some religious nuts (no pun intended) even made off with my foreskin. They hid it away and named it "The Holy Prepuce." How sick can you get! No wonder those nuts made marriage illegal; they love foreskin too much to appreciate a woman.
What the religious idiots so stupidly cling to is an invention of Paul, therefore it should not be called after me ― the “anointed (christ) one.” It is rightly called “Pauline Christology” — an invented religion using (really misusing) me!
Back to the manly things; so take a look at a day in my life — the life of Jesus! I did this every day. Factor this out into real terms over my 30 years:
· 65,700 pisses (3,079.7 gallons)
· 10,950 dumps/shits (being bound is erased by the time of diarrhea)
· 204 wet dreams (nocturnal emissions - 22.07 ounces) Remember, getting laid was NOT an option. You just can't have 1/4 god children roaming the earth
· 5,485 liters of fart gas (an average of 14 daily farts or 1,245.2 gallons of methane gas)
· 109,500 burps (average of 10 per day)
Jesus H. Christ
“Prayer has no place in the
public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion.”
~Gary Chalmers, Superintendent, Springfield School District; “The Simpsons” Episode #100, 1994